Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Italian Baked Chicken and Pastina :)
Pre-bakage
Pre-bakage pt. 2 + goofnastay
AFTER THE BAKAGE MMMMM
<3 the fam, thx snatch for the photos
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I'm going on an airplane, don't know when I'll be back again
It's disgusting how much I want to travel right now.
Top of the itinerary:
1) Visit Angie in Washington before summer ends,
2) Do a tour of the UK in the winter, HOPEFULLY with MC and McNasty,
3) And finally, kick it old school in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
Been looking up flights all day. I gots to do dis homes I gots to!!!!!
Top of the itinerary:
1) Visit Angie in Washington before summer ends,
2) Do a tour of the UK in the winter, HOPEFULLY with MC and McNasty,
3) And finally, kick it old school in the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.
Been looking up flights all day. I gots to do dis homes I gots to!!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
DREAMS
are all I've ever had.
TOP 5 CITIES I WANT TO LIVE IN BEFORE I PEACE OUT (in no specific order)
1. New York City.
"At last I was here, in New York City, a city like a web too intricate to understand and I wasn't going to try." Chronicles Vol. 1
2. Edinburgh
Gothic, rich with history, and when the sun sets, heavy with mood.
3. Cambridge
No building is neglected by the charm and tradition that makes Cambridge the pristine and quaint little college town that it is, be it a noodle bar, post office, or any of its 31 castle-like colleges.
4. Chi-a-cago
I met this city when I was 17 years old, and what I loved most, she had so much soul.
SPEAKING OF SOUL...
5. Seoul
My city of birth. Yearning to return to the motherland one day in search of ancestry, a haven of sublime dining, and maybe even a nice Korean man, hehe.
There will be time!
TOP 5 CITIES I WANT TO LIVE IN BEFORE I PEACE OUT (in no specific order)
1. New York City.
"At last I was here, in New York City, a city like a web too intricate to understand and I wasn't going to try." Chronicles Vol. 1
2. Edinburgh
Gothic, rich with history, and when the sun sets, heavy with mood.
3. Cambridge
No building is neglected by the charm and tradition that makes Cambridge the pristine and quaint little college town that it is, be it a noodle bar, post office, or any of its 31 castle-like colleges.
4. Chi-a-cago
I met this city when I was 17 years old, and what I loved most, she had so much soul.
SPEAKING OF SOUL...
5. Seoul
My city of birth. Yearning to return to the motherland one day in search of ancestry, a haven of sublime dining, and maybe even a nice Korean man, hehe.
There will be time!
What would I give..
to be back in Scotland.... or Cambridge.... anywhere that isn't here.
As soon as I get into the workforce, there's absolutely no way I am going to let a year go by without traveling. There are too many continents left undiscovered, too many sights to see, and waaay too many gud foods to eeeat!
Can't deny though, that if I could pick a place to be right now, it would have to be Edinburgh or Cambridge. Something about those cities, man......
To a point it hurts : (
Le sigh.
Fate Ascends Trepidation
Yesterday was the first ever F.A.T. Day, feat. Jackie D. and Stenny McNasty.
It was a whirlwind, but all I can say is
1) I bought a box of chocolates.......... for myself
2) Outback DELIVERED (and I'm never ordering anything but medium-rare from now on)
3) We each left a $10 tip. Which means kind Aliza got 50%. Not to mention two ridiculous notes we left on her receipt (too embarrassed to say).
It was an amazing, amazing day. Fateful. Empowering. But most of all, fucking delicious.
It was a whirlwind, but all I can say is
1) I bought a box of chocolates.......... for myself
2) Outback DELIVERED (and I'm never ordering anything but medium-rare from now on)
3) We each left a $10 tip. Which means kind Aliza got 50%. Not to mention two ridiculous notes we left on her receipt (too embarrassed to say).
It was an amazing, amazing day. Fateful. Empowering. But most of all, fucking delicious.
Monday, July 12, 2010
AHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
It's the first time in my life that my cousin has reached out to me, and I couldn't even be there to help her.
She facebook msg'd me an hour ago sounding cheery as usual, asking for my phone number. She said she tried calling what she thought was still my number, but an old lady picked up. She apologized and deleted it.
I gave her my newest digits, curious to see what was up. She's the closest cousin I've ever had and yet we rarely talk outside of the occasional comments on fb statuses.
Turns out her parents had gotten drunk and started fighting. They became so upset with each other and "it just got so ridiculously stupid that I needed someone to talk to."
So she called me. Fuck.
I've always loved this bix since I was little. When I was four, my family moved to the states because my dad was taking his sabbatical at UCSD. Before we were able to find a place in San Diego to get settled in, my aunt took us in at her house in Temecula for a couple weeks. Angie must have been 1 at the time, and Brian hadn't even been born.
Since then we would only see each other a couple times a year, mainly during holidays. When we moved back to California from Oregon, I saw her more often. By then I was in fourth grade, and her family had moved to Hacienda Heights, which is just about 40 minutes away from Fullerton.
Even when I was just 9 I admired Angie for her maturity. With the kind of craziness she's been through in her life, I'm impressed at how sane and smart she's turned out. As a toddler she was never the annoying little cousin. She's always had a good head on her shoulders, always.
And yet we don't really have a relationship. The last time our families met was maybe a year and a half ago for Korean BBQ. As our moms yammered away, I chatted it up with Angie like we normally do during these sporadic encounters. Except this particular night was a little more... interesting. We talked about getting high. And thizzing. Mostly my own stories because she told me she didn't mess with any of that stuff, even though all of her friends did. It was the first time I talked so candidly with her sans the filter of "this is my baby cousin, I need to set a good example."
After dinner wrapped up and both families bid each other goodnight, I thought about Angie for most of the ride home. I thought about how cool she was and how weird it was that we never hung out. I thought about how it's still a little difficult for me to see her as an actually legit, real-ass person, not just my baby cousin.
It quickly dawned on me, though, that the lack of communication between us was mostly a result of my own lack of effort. I mean I'm the older one. I had a cellphone. I had a car throughout most of high school. She lives 40 minutes away. Why didn't I ever hit her up? Why didn't I ever think to hang out with her outside of these awkward family dinners?
Whenever anyone asks me about my extended family, I always complain that I wish I had cool cousins I was closer to. I realized that night that I've indeed had countless opportunities. I just never took advantage of them.
Who else would it have been to fulfill that desire for familial closeness but Angie. Everyone else kind of sucks. My older cousins, Andrew and Jane (Angie and Brian's half brother and sister), moved to the states to live with my aunt when they were in high school. Before then, neither set of siblings knew of each others' existence.
That's some real shit. And the tension has yet to dissipate.
Upon Andrew and Jane's arrival to the US in '98, I was Jane's first introduction to American "culture". The first couple times she came over, my mom told us to go upstairs and talk, get to know each other, whatever. She's about 4 or 5 years older than me, and there was an obvious language barrier, but I still embraced my hosting duties wholeheartedly. I showed her my BSB book and lent her my NSYNC cd. We talked about the differences between students in Korea and students in America. She told me that if I went to school in Korea with the level of Korean I speak, I'd probably get teased. She was chill about it, though, so I didn't trip.
But about the third time she came over, she didn't seem interested in going upstairs with me. I lingered on the stairwell expecting her to follow. She opted to stay downstairs with the adults.
Since then, I've barely spoken three full sentences to her.
These days, my mom and my aunt usually trade off hosting duties during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but every holiday it's always the same. The adults eat in the dining room, Andrew, Jane and my brother eat in the family room (where they talk about grown-up things in Korean), and I eat with Angie and Brian in the living room (where the TV is playing either Jingle All the Way, Elf, or a current animated feature). I'm 22 and I still don't feel comfortable anywhere else but at the kiddie table.
During these somewhat brief interactions, our conversations don't extend past discussions of movies we've watched recently and what kind of music we're into at the moment. It's always small talk. Entertaining, but small talk nonetheless.
Maybe it's all I've ever cared to get out of our interactions, but maybe this is so because it's all I've ever known in my own life. I've never had an older cousin or sibling reach out to me and try to get to know me on a personal level. My own brother would tiresomely put in effort to make sure I wasn't a part of his life. At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I honestly don't know how to carry myself as the "older" cousin/friend/anything. It's always proven to be an awktastic experience for me that's easier to avoid.
But here she is, calling me at 3:00AM because her parents are fighting and she needs someone to talk to.
Her message made me a little sad. It reminded me of when she posted a fb profile picture of her receiving her jr. high diploma with the caption, "graduation.. my mom didn't come : (..." When I read that, I wanted nothing more than to have been there for her.
And I wanted nothing more than to have been there for her today.
This could be my second chance, you know. I told her to call me tomorrow because I have literally nothing to do with my life right now but look for a job. I hope she does. It's not too late to become closer to my cousin, and though it's something I never bothered putting much effort into, I'm ready to try now. And it's making me really very excited.
She facebook msg'd me an hour ago sounding cheery as usual, asking for my phone number. She said she tried calling what she thought was still my number, but an old lady picked up. She apologized and deleted it.
I gave her my newest digits, curious to see what was up. She's the closest cousin I've ever had and yet we rarely talk outside of the occasional comments on fb statuses.
Turns out her parents had gotten drunk and started fighting. They became so upset with each other and "it just got so ridiculously stupid that I needed someone to talk to."
So she called me. Fuck.
I've always loved this bix since I was little. When I was four, my family moved to the states because my dad was taking his sabbatical at UCSD. Before we were able to find a place in San Diego to get settled in, my aunt took us in at her house in Temecula for a couple weeks. Angie must have been 1 at the time, and Brian hadn't even been born.
Since then we would only see each other a couple times a year, mainly during holidays. When we moved back to California from Oregon, I saw her more often. By then I was in fourth grade, and her family had moved to Hacienda Heights, which is just about 40 minutes away from Fullerton.
Even when I was just 9 I admired Angie for her maturity. With the kind of craziness she's been through in her life, I'm impressed at how sane and smart she's turned out. As a toddler she was never the annoying little cousin. She's always had a good head on her shoulders, always.
And yet we don't really have a relationship. The last time our families met was maybe a year and a half ago for Korean BBQ. As our moms yammered away, I chatted it up with Angie like we normally do during these sporadic encounters. Except this particular night was a little more... interesting. We talked about getting high. And thizzing. Mostly my own stories because she told me she didn't mess with any of that stuff, even though all of her friends did. It was the first time I talked so candidly with her sans the filter of "this is my baby cousin, I need to set a good example."
After dinner wrapped up and both families bid each other goodnight, I thought about Angie for most of the ride home. I thought about how cool she was and how weird it was that we never hung out. I thought about how it's still a little difficult for me to see her as an actually legit, real-ass person, not just my baby cousin.
It quickly dawned on me, though, that the lack of communication between us was mostly a result of my own lack of effort. I mean I'm the older one. I had a cellphone. I had a car throughout most of high school. She lives 40 minutes away. Why didn't I ever hit her up? Why didn't I ever think to hang out with her outside of these awkward family dinners?
Whenever anyone asks me about my extended family, I always complain that I wish I had cool cousins I was closer to. I realized that night that I've indeed had countless opportunities. I just never took advantage of them.
Who else would it have been to fulfill that desire for familial closeness but Angie. Everyone else kind of sucks. My older cousins, Andrew and Jane (Angie and Brian's half brother and sister), moved to the states to live with my aunt when they were in high school. Before then, neither set of siblings knew of each others' existence.
That's some real shit. And the tension has yet to dissipate.
Upon Andrew and Jane's arrival to the US in '98, I was Jane's first introduction to American "culture". The first couple times she came over, my mom told us to go upstairs and talk, get to know each other, whatever. She's about 4 or 5 years older than me, and there was an obvious language barrier, but I still embraced my hosting duties wholeheartedly. I showed her my BSB book and lent her my NSYNC cd. We talked about the differences between students in Korea and students in America. She told me that if I went to school in Korea with the level of Korean I speak, I'd probably get teased. She was chill about it, though, so I didn't trip.
But about the third time she came over, she didn't seem interested in going upstairs with me. I lingered on the stairwell expecting her to follow. She opted to stay downstairs with the adults.
Since then, I've barely spoken three full sentences to her.
These days, my mom and my aunt usually trade off hosting duties during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but every holiday it's always the same. The adults eat in the dining room, Andrew, Jane and my brother eat in the family room (where they talk about grown-up things in Korean), and I eat with Angie and Brian in the living room (where the TV is playing either Jingle All the Way, Elf, or a current animated feature). I'm 22 and I still don't feel comfortable anywhere else but at the kiddie table.
During these somewhat brief interactions, our conversations don't extend past discussions of movies we've watched recently and what kind of music we're into at the moment. It's always small talk. Entertaining, but small talk nonetheless.
Maybe it's all I've ever cared to get out of our interactions, but maybe this is so because it's all I've ever known in my own life. I've never had an older cousin or sibling reach out to me and try to get to know me on a personal level. My own brother would tiresomely put in effort to make sure I wasn't a part of his life. At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I honestly don't know how to carry myself as the "older" cousin/friend/anything. It's always proven to be an awktastic experience for me that's easier to avoid.
But here she is, calling me at 3:00AM because her parents are fighting and she needs someone to talk to.
Her message made me a little sad. It reminded me of when she posted a fb profile picture of her receiving her jr. high diploma with the caption, "graduation.. my mom didn't come : (..." When I read that, I wanted nothing more than to have been there for her.
And I wanted nothing more than to have been there for her today.
This could be my second chance, you know. I told her to call me tomorrow because I have literally nothing to do with my life right now but look for a job. I hope she does. It's not too late to become closer to my cousin, and though it's something I never bothered putting much effort into, I'm ready to try now. And it's making me really very excited.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Shut the front door.
Kiwi Nutella Crepes
Asparagus Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Buffalo Wing Dip
Spinach and Feta Quesadillas
I am drooling and dying at the same time because it's 5am, can't get to bed, pretty hungry, and oh yeah it's 5am. This motherfucker is unbelievable. I seriously can't believe he makes all this gorgeous food. There are too many things I want to cook from his blog that I don't know where to start!
Fun fact: He's a white duder from Toronto who loves that kimchee! Makes some SHRIMPDONK recipes with it. Pretty inspired.
Ah, I love that the particular photos I chose (out of a zillion other beautiful contenders) go along with a green medley theme.
SOOOO HUNGRY. NOT TIRED. WHAT TO DOOOOOOoooOooOoo?
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Extraordinary Machines, everywhere
Long story short, was doing some research for my tattoo.
Out of curiosity, googled "Extraordinary Machine tattoo".
The first hit I get is
Extraordinary Machine: Lady GaGa's Tattoo
I click the link, and it happens to be a blogspot titled EXTRAORDINARY MACHINE using an identical template to mine. Amused by the coincidence, I clicked on the user's complete profile. I didn't find out a whole lot, but I did see that the user is a girl named Doris, a 22 year old UC grad, just like me.
Interested, I briefly looked through a post here and there. My eyes stopped when I noticed a potentially dramatic looking post with the words "crying" and "hurt" and "mom" all over it. I started from the top.
Okay. So this bix is legit.
"I saw the broken woman that I purposely ignore for my own selfish protection. I saw my mom, Mama, the same Mama who has had a life capable of making you doubt God’s existence. The same Mama that I get annoyed at, snap at, talk back at, turn my back at so that I won’t have to cry for her. The same Mama who told me last week that my dad has taken away all of her confidence and that she is ashamed to meet new people as a single mother.. the same Mama that I chose to respond with one word and then purposely focus all of my attention on the current TV show. The same Mama who I purposely don’t write about, I would rather write about anyone else, because I know that no one else will rip my heart open and make me cry with every word that I write.
I cried because I don’t love my mom enough because it hurts too much. I cried because my mom loves me more than life itself and depends on me to continue living, but I can’t handle the responsibility. I cried because I love her, and it hurts to love someone who hurts as much as her."
It's the last part that took me in.
I was just talking to Anthony yesterday about Fiona (surprise, surprise), particularly about the song "Extraordinary Machine" and how I continue to find meaning in it now after years of singing and listening to it over and over. Upon imparting to Anthony a particular relevance I spotted the other day that blew me away, he responded quite thoughtfully (with a finger to his temple and everything), "It just makes me wonder if people with the same sensibility or state of mind will run into the same kinds of problems in life."
To which I wholeheartedly agreed. It is probably the foremost reason I find so much comfort in Fiona's music; in times of sorrow, I never have to feel alone because someone I so greatly adore and admire has been there and done that/is expressing her anxiety in such a beautiful and eloquent medium. I don't even have to have gone through the specific experiences to understand her pain because if I were in her position, I would be dealing with them in the same exact way.
Most importantly--and this is something that I only recently realized--Fiona lets me know that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be heartbroken. And it's okay to have no foreseeable resolution.
I think I like Doris. We seem to have a couple things in common (minus the Jesus part), and just by observing how much time and effort she dedicates to writing her entries reminds me of my high school days when xanga was my MAIN forum of catharsis.
Not to mention she's an extraordinary machine.
Over time I learned that when you first meet a fellow Fiona aficionado (alliteration to make you proud girl), you don't just write it off. It's more special than that. When you meet a Fiona fan, you know there's somewhat of a shared imprint that has brought you to this mutual appreciation.
Well, what can I do but to wish them all well. Doris seems to have her post-grad life figured out (at least more than I do). Ever heard of Columbia? The one in New York? Cuz my gurl got accepted (and wrote one helluva post about the day she found out).
I think about where Fiona is at right now and I ask Anthony if this means I'll end up stoned, single, and childless at 32. He said I could still be happy that way. And he's right, I can be.. If there's one thing I keep trying to tell myself these days, it's to let go of a) promises left unfulfilled and b) dreams that couldn't actually make me happy. Despite how wonderful the idea sounded or made me feel at one point, actions do eventually speak louder than words.
I'm excited about my tattoo. I feel like the guy in Memento, using body art to remind myself of (and this is where the comparison gets a bit blurred) the virtues and lessons I've collected along the way. With it I hope to commemorate a time when I was tested and failed, confused but not lost, and most importantly, redirected and redeemed.
SHE, A KOREAN
Man I haven't been this stoked since freshman year at the dorms to come back to my computer at night, listen to music, and just wind the fuck down.
WhY? Because I got this new project a-brewin'...
I had this movie idea freshman year that I was hella stoked about. Worked on it for a while, wrote treatments, an entire script breakdown, and maybe even some pages of dialogue. I've since abandoned it. Grew out of the story--or maybe it was my macbook crashing that initiated the loss of interest. Suffice it to say, Michelle, My Belle will never be made into a feature film, at least by me. So rest easy, I will not ruin your favorite Beatles song.
Anyway, during that otherwise miserable time in my life, one of my favorite things to do in the dorms was put on my fatty headphones, ignore Dominique, start up Sutek's Tomb on Neopets, and listen to a special playlist of songs I was compiling for this movie. I had specific songs for specific scenes, including (obviously) the title track, Elliott's Coast to Coast, Stan Getz's The Girl from Ipanema, and Dave Brubeck's Take Five.
It gave me such pleasure to rearrange the songs according to how I thought they should be listed on the soundtrack. I listened to that playlist to death. In retrospect, nothing really came out of it.... but I do remember having a ball.
And now I think I'm ready to start working again.
Haven't delved into the deets, but I know where I want to go. This idea's been percolating in my dome since last summer, and I'm finna get back on my griind!!!
To assist me in the procces, I'm gonna need a little inspiration from Greek mythology, Sophocles, the Locarno Film Festival, and maybe a thing or two from my life.
Oh, and this bix.
Summer, I won't let you down (if you can return the favor).
WhY? Because I got this new project a-brewin'...
I had this movie idea freshman year that I was hella stoked about. Worked on it for a while, wrote treatments, an entire script breakdown, and maybe even some pages of dialogue. I've since abandoned it. Grew out of the story--or maybe it was my macbook crashing that initiated the loss of interest. Suffice it to say, Michelle, My Belle will never be made into a feature film, at least by me. So rest easy, I will not ruin your favorite Beatles song.
Anyway, during that otherwise miserable time in my life, one of my favorite things to do in the dorms was put on my fatty headphones, ignore Dominique, start up Sutek's Tomb on Neopets, and listen to a special playlist of songs I was compiling for this movie. I had specific songs for specific scenes, including (obviously) the title track, Elliott's Coast to Coast, Stan Getz's The Girl from Ipanema, and Dave Brubeck's Take Five.
It gave me such pleasure to rearrange the songs according to how I thought they should be listed on the soundtrack. I listened to that playlist to death. In retrospect, nothing really came out of it.... but I do remember having a ball.
And now I think I'm ready to start working again.
Haven't delved into the deets, but I know where I want to go. This idea's been percolating in my dome since last summer, and I'm finna get back on my griind!!!
To assist me in the procces, I'm gonna need a little inspiration from Greek mythology, Sophocles, the Locarno Film Festival, and maybe a thing or two from my life.
Oh, and this bix.
Summer, I won't let you down (if you can return the favor).
Case #53932 of Mark's hearing problem
mark: what's that movie called? how to be?
me: yeah, how to be.
mark: oh, how it be?
me: ...no, how to be.
mark: ohh, how it is.
the next day
mark: what was that movie called again? stand inside of me?
one year later
mark: what's that movie again? out of me?
me: no
mark: stand in me?
me: no
mark: get out? something like that
Friday, July 2, 2010
FRESH OUTTA COLLEGE, I SQUAT ALL DAY BIXXES
Fuck mattresses, I don't need shooee!
Walked into an empty room at Chaparral today and got really excited. It's been real gud tripling up with Mark and Angel for the past 10 days but it's nice to have my own room again.
We had a sort-of housewarming party at Chap playing Loaded Questions and drinking four different kinds of juices + andre. My fav combo was the andre + grape drank + a dash of pomegranate juice. Also fucking delicious: apple juice + andre. Fuck bartending school, I think I'm ready!
Walked into an empty room at Chaparral today and got really excited. It's been real gud tripling up with Mark and Angel for the past 10 days but it's nice to have my own room again.
We had a sort-of housewarming party at Chap playing Loaded Questions and drinking four different kinds of juices + andre. My fav combo was the andre + grape drank + a dash of pomegranate juice. Also fucking delicious: apple juice + andre. Fuck bartending school, I think I'm ready!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My 22nd.
And for the poster and all these beautiful photos...
THANK YOU, CLINTON! <3
What a stuntastic, incendiary, glitter-filled night. Leave it to my best friends to outshine this sleepy town.
Souley Vegan
A family owned vegan soul food restaurant in Oakland we hunted down last month.
Before (fried chicken-tofu, bbq tofu, cornbread, lentils, collard greens, potato salad, yams, macaroni & cheese, fried okra, rice, and beans... ALL VEGAN)
and after (nothing but a piece of lettuce [which was subsequently eaten])
Mark, Snatch, Meaux, Coz, and Jazz <3
Before (fried chicken-tofu, bbq tofu, cornbread, lentils, collard greens, potato salad, yams, macaroni & cheese, fried okra, rice, and beans... ALL VEGAN)
and after (nothing but a piece of lettuce [which was subsequently eaten])
Mark, Snatch, Meaux, Coz, and Jazz <3
Yet another ridiculous bedside convo at A
mark: i think you would really like the smashing pumpkins, angel!
angel: i actually do like them! i have an album! ......oh wait thats smash mouth
[heavy, heavy silence]
me: ...did you catch that???
mark: YES im trying to ignore it.
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