10 Rando Thoughts Before I Go to Sleep

1. Today I realized that Urban Outfitters is the place you hear the original versions of songs that mainstream rap artists these days sample from. I didn't know those casino machine sounds from Missy Elliott's "Lose Control" was ripped from the 80s. Hm.

2. Cat Power's "Love and Communication" is a crazyass song. It's my go-to "I don't know how I feel but I don't want to listen to anything overtly depressing so at least let me be moody" song.

3. On a similar note, her "Sea of Love" cover is, as much as I hated Juno, undeniable. <3

4. I wish one day Beck could write me an album.

Lucky snatch.

5. I am constantly caught between what I know makes me happy and what I have been socially conditioned to believe will bring me happiness. Most times I feel enslaved, but sometimes I perpetuate my own victimization. Lose-lose.

6. I am confused...

7. I'm much more productive in the real world. And happier. But times like these I really miss my little college bubble.

8. Why is it so fucking hard to get a bike fixed in the city? I guess living in the bike capital of CA for the past four years got me accustomed to a certain standard of living. I lived next to a public bike pump for half my Davis life. Everywhere you turned there was a bike shop. Even one on campus. Not here. 50 cents for air at the closest Shell. Air. Stupid.

9. The last two Valentines I had made me feel kinda dumb for buying into the commercialization. But I don't think a girl should ever feel guilty about wanting flowers.

10. One of my tattoos represents a theory I learned in the first acting class I ever took five years ago. It is the concept that we all have a core "I" that never changes within us, but according to who we're around, we alter that "I" into seven different "me's" to adapt to the unique needs of the situation.

I used to be the kind of person who had seven very distinguishable "me's". I wasn't very comfortable letting people see the "I". I was more concerned with behaving appropriately than being myself. As a result, I didn't like people very much.

But long story short, I got over it. I got over myself. And I love people now. I'm not scared to talk to people anymore.

And yet recently I find myself in a situation where "I" am so apprehensive about coming out. I hate it. I remember feeling this way all the time when I was younger. It's so crippling. I recognize the fear--fear of disappointment, repeating failures, etc. etc.--but it doesn't make sense that I care this much.

Well maybe I should own up to that first.

That's 10. Told you they were random.